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The Feline Observer - ACHC&SE Copyright 2003-2004 Feedback: silelf@mac.com
28.1.04
University Fees
by Brindis
I appreciate the good wishes from the poly-tech or wherever it was giving Paolo an honorary degree, as I know that it is the only way he has of getting past the university gates. But they do seem a little out of date, giving out degrees for intelligence (or at least an odd flash of brilliance). Thanks to Tony Blair everybody in the UK will go to University. My humans are fuming about this prospect. University life is for them an intellectual privilege, not a market policy. If Paolo accepts the honorary degree, I am sure that we will still have to pay the 3000 pounds fee. It revolts me that the human middle classes, who provide a solid pool of servants to cats, are being oppressed in this manner by corporate interests and pseudo labour politicians.
Until next time,
Brindis
by Brindis
I appreciate the good wishes from the poly-tech or wherever it was giving Paolo an honorary degree, as I know that it is the only way he has of getting past the university gates. But they do seem a little out of date, giving out degrees for intelligence (or at least an odd flash of brilliance). Thanks to Tony Blair everybody in the UK will go to University. My humans are fuming about this prospect. University life is for them an intellectual privilege, not a market policy. If Paolo accepts the honorary degree, I am sure that we will still have to pay the 3000 pounds fee. It revolts me that the human middle classes, who provide a solid pool of servants to cats, are being oppressed in this manner by corporate interests and pseudo labour politicians.
Until next time,
Brindis
Letters
Sir,
It is amusing to see that Brindis believed that the SMS contained such an obvious message. This was in fact an encrypted message and according to my calculations it would take all the cat brains in the world, working non-stop for several times longer than the age of the universe to decipher it.
Name and address supplied
Sir,
The message received by Brindis was in fact encrypted, and I have deciphered it using the random balls bell-curve method developed by Dr. Catharsis. The meaning is:
It is now time for another meal, where is my servant?
Yours,
Paolo
Sir,
We are most impressed by Paolo's mathematical abilities and we hereby notify the Feline Observer that he is being considered for an honorary degree from Cattec University.
Yours,
Prof. Longtail
Dept. of Mathematics
Cattec University
Sir,
It is amusing to see that Brindis believed that the SMS contained such an obvious message. This was in fact an encrypted message and according to my calculations it would take all the cat brains in the world, working non-stop for several times longer than the age of the universe to decipher it.
Name and address supplied
Sir,
The message received by Brindis was in fact encrypted, and I have deciphered it using the random balls bell-curve method developed by Dr. Catharsis. The meaning is:
It is now time for another meal, where is my servant?
Yours,
Paolo
Sir,
We are most impressed by Paolo's mathematical abilities and we hereby notify the Feline Observer that he is being considered for an honorary degree from Cattec University.
Yours,
Prof. Longtail
Dept. of Mathematics
Cattec University
SMS
by Brindis
Some funny bloke (or perhaps yobo) has sent to us an SMS using the worthy CAT word on it:
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat ,idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it without the word cat
Perhaps is time I teach Paolo some more words,
Until next time,
by Brindis
Some funny bloke (or perhaps yobo) has sent to us an SMS using the worthy CAT word on it:
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat ,idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it without the word cat
Perhaps is time I teach Paolo some more words,
Until next time,
25.1.04
From: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/3421323.stm
Doggy paddle helps big cat
Laura Smith-Spark
BBC News Online, South East
The hydrotherapy sessions help Samira move her damaged leg
Cats may be known for their aversion to water but for one lion cub, a trip to the hydrotherapy pool has become a lifesaver.
Samira, from Port Lympne Animal Park in Kent, is being taught to swim as a way to regain the use of a leg injured when she was only four days old.
At one point keepers feared they would have to put the seven-month-old Barbary lion down or amputate the limb, which the cub was unable to use after her mother accidentally bit it.
But tiger keeper Pete Thompson said the animal's 10 sessions in the pool at Alkhamhurst Kennels, in Alkham, near Dover, had brought an amazing improvement.
She is very good with people - when she's upset she will growl but she won't actually bite
Tiger keeper Peter Thompson
Mr Thompson said: "She was quite a fighter so we decided to keep her going and probably amputate the leg later on.
"Then it started working and seemed to repair itself and she is getting better and better."
The hydrotherapy pool, which usually caters for dogs, works by encouraging the cub to extend her damaged shoulder through swimming without having to bear weight on it.
She is encouraged to play before being showered and lowered into the water, wearing a buoyancy aid.
The lion cub is encouraged to play before her dip
The cub reacts with growling and snarling but swims along quite happily once she is in the water.
"She is very good with people - when she's upset she will growl but she won't actually bite," said Mr Thompson.
"Lions don't normally go near the water. She's okay with it but I wouldn't say she enjoyed it."
Roz Chaplin, who runs the kennels and the hydrotherapy sessions, said she thought it was a hoax when the zoo first called - but had been happy to give Samira, known as Sammy, a try.
"She was quite calm the first time because she didn't know what was coming. The second time was a little bit different," she said.
Male lion
"It's very hard work for her in the pool - normally a one-minute session is like a one-mile hike for a normal animal."
Mr Thompson reared the injured cub by hand after she was rejected by her mother.
He hopes to introduce Sammy, who now weighs 23.5 kg, to a hand-reared male lion while she is young because she does not mix with the other lions at the zoo.
Sammy, who will be two or three times her current size when fully grown, may never fully recover from her injury but now stands a much better chance of leading a normal life.
"This is probably the first time anyone's done this with a lion," her keeper said. "It's working very well."
Doggy paddle helps big cat
Laura Smith-Spark
BBC News Online, South East
The hydrotherapy sessions help Samira move her damaged leg
Cats may be known for their aversion to water but for one lion cub, a trip to the hydrotherapy pool has become a lifesaver.
Samira, from Port Lympne Animal Park in Kent, is being taught to swim as a way to regain the use of a leg injured when she was only four days old.
At one point keepers feared they would have to put the seven-month-old Barbary lion down or amputate the limb, which the cub was unable to use after her mother accidentally bit it.
But tiger keeper Pete Thompson said the animal's 10 sessions in the pool at Alkhamhurst Kennels, in Alkham, near Dover, had brought an amazing improvement.
She is very good with people - when she's upset she will growl but she won't actually bite
Tiger keeper Peter Thompson
Mr Thompson said: "She was quite a fighter so we decided to keep her going and probably amputate the leg later on.
"Then it started working and seemed to repair itself and she is getting better and better."
The hydrotherapy pool, which usually caters for dogs, works by encouraging the cub to extend her damaged shoulder through swimming without having to bear weight on it.
She is encouraged to play before being showered and lowered into the water, wearing a buoyancy aid.
The lion cub is encouraged to play before her dip
The cub reacts with growling and snarling but swims along quite happily once she is in the water.
"She is very good with people - when she's upset she will growl but she won't actually bite," said Mr Thompson.
"Lions don't normally go near the water. She's okay with it but I wouldn't say she enjoyed it."
Roz Chaplin, who runs the kennels and the hydrotherapy sessions, said she thought it was a hoax when the zoo first called - but had been happy to give Samira, known as Sammy, a try.
"She was quite calm the first time because she didn't know what was coming. The second time was a little bit different," she said.
Male lion
"It's very hard work for her in the pool - normally a one-minute session is like a one-mile hike for a normal animal."
Mr Thompson reared the injured cub by hand after she was rejected by her mother.
He hopes to introduce Sammy, who now weighs 23.5 kg, to a hand-reared male lion while she is young because she does not mix with the other lions at the zoo.
Sammy, who will be two or three times her current size when fully grown, may never fully recover from her injury but now stands a much better chance of leading a normal life.
"This is probably the first time anyone's done this with a lion," her keeper said. "It's working very well."
23.1.04
THE DAILY TAIL
GONE TO THE DOGS!
Paolo, the cat from Italy who rose to fame as a travel writer, has said that he admires dogs. In an extraordinary article in the Feline Observer, he refers to dogs as 'our canine cousins' and 'magnificent beasts'. The newspaper's editor, Hugo de Chat Noir, was unavailable for comment.
Full story - pages 2-11
Opinion: My husband was eaten by a dog, by Mrs. Tabitha Twitchit - page 12
Editorial - Free miaowing has its limits - page 13
Obituary - Timothy Twitchit - page 14
Let Paolo have an Irish Wolfhound! - Prize letter, by Brindis Calderwood - page 15
GONE TO THE DOGS!
Paolo, the cat from Italy who rose to fame as a travel writer, has said that he admires dogs. In an extraordinary article in the Feline Observer, he refers to dogs as 'our canine cousins' and 'magnificent beasts'. The newspaper's editor, Hugo de Chat Noir, was unavailable for comment.
Full story - pages 2-11
Opinion: My husband was eaten by a dog, by Mrs. Tabitha Twitchit - page 12
Editorial - Free miaowing has its limits - page 13
Obituary - Timothy Twitchit - page 14
Let Paolo have an Irish Wolfhound! - Prize letter, by Brindis Calderwood - page 15
FELINE OBSERVER
It's a dog's life
by Paolo
My dear friend and companion Marlene has told me that my family will soon be augmented (good word, Paolo! - Ed.) by a dog. Brindis is not very pleased about her plan, and has told me that he will put a stop to it. Our Editor, Hugo du Chat Noir, has stated that his splendid organ does not deal with this kind of trivial matter, but at the risk of losing my job (that's nothing new! - Ed.), I have to say that Brindis's attitude is nothing short of cynical. My belief is that one should look for the good in every living thing, and I must confess that I have a particular admiration for our canine cousins (surely 'the primitive mammals' - Ed.) I know that this statement will shock many of you and it's true that dogs do have some undesirable characteristics such as loyalty, a sense of duty, poor hygiene and devotion to work. But in my opinion this is more than outweighed by their sheer joie de vivre and playfulness, especially when young, and like me, they love to be cuddled and fussed over.
Now I must admit that I once had a natural aversion to dogs, a feeling common to most cats. It all changed one day when a wise old travelling cat visited the farm in Tuscany. He read my fortune and explained that I would one day share a house with a dog. I remember thinking that this was a fate worse than death, a torturous existence of being chased and mauled by a slavering hound. The wise old cat sensed how I felt and explained that dogs were just simple living creatures and could be quite easily approached, provided one understood dog etiquette. If one meets a dog, he said, it will first of all bark its greetings for up to an hour, then roll over on its back and start purring. The bigger the dog, the more friendly it will be, he told me.
And it all came true. A few weeks later I came across a large Alsation on the farm, asleep next to a tree. As soon as it saw me it did indeed become very talkative and lively, just as the old cat had foreseen. It was so pleased to see me that it jumped up in the air in all directions, but for some reason never went more than a metre away from the tree. After about an hour it lay on its back, panting and playing with a piece of rope which it had tied in a knot around the treetrunk and its own stomach! In this position it reminded me irresistibly of my kittenhood, when I would play with a ball of wool in much the same way, and ever since then I have seen dogs in a very different light.
Our fear of the dog is irrational, a leftover from our wild past. I shall protect and nurture Marlene's new companion as I have protected and nurtured her. I look forward to the day when I can share my bowl with this magnificent beast.
Editor's Note: Paolo will be on extended sick leave for the next two months due to stress.
It's a dog's life
by Paolo
My dear friend and companion Marlene has told me that my family will soon be augmented (good word, Paolo! - Ed.) by a dog. Brindis is not very pleased about her plan, and has told me that he will put a stop to it. Our Editor, Hugo du Chat Noir, has stated that his splendid organ does not deal with this kind of trivial matter, but at the risk of losing my job (that's nothing new! - Ed.), I have to say that Brindis's attitude is nothing short of cynical. My belief is that one should look for the good in every living thing, and I must confess that I have a particular admiration for our canine cousins (surely 'the primitive mammals' - Ed.) I know that this statement will shock many of you and it's true that dogs do have some undesirable characteristics such as loyalty, a sense of duty, poor hygiene and devotion to work. But in my opinion this is more than outweighed by their sheer joie de vivre and playfulness, especially when young, and like me, they love to be cuddled and fussed over.
Now I must admit that I once had a natural aversion to dogs, a feeling common to most cats. It all changed one day when a wise old travelling cat visited the farm in Tuscany. He read my fortune and explained that I would one day share a house with a dog. I remember thinking that this was a fate worse than death, a torturous existence of being chased and mauled by a slavering hound. The wise old cat sensed how I felt and explained that dogs were just simple living creatures and could be quite easily approached, provided one understood dog etiquette. If one meets a dog, he said, it will first of all bark its greetings for up to an hour, then roll over on its back and start purring. The bigger the dog, the more friendly it will be, he told me.
And it all came true. A few weeks later I came across a large Alsation on the farm, asleep next to a tree. As soon as it saw me it did indeed become very talkative and lively, just as the old cat had foreseen. It was so pleased to see me that it jumped up in the air in all directions, but for some reason never went more than a metre away from the tree. After about an hour it lay on its back, panting and playing with a piece of rope which it had tied in a knot around the treetrunk and its own stomach! In this position it reminded me irresistibly of my kittenhood, when I would play with a ball of wool in much the same way, and ever since then I have seen dogs in a very different light.
Our fear of the dog is irrational, a leftover from our wild past. I shall protect and nurture Marlene's new companion as I have protected and nurtured her. I look forward to the day when I can share my bowl with this magnificent beast.
Editor's Note: Paolo will be on extended sick leave for the next two months due to stress.
11.1.04
Greetings from Egham
by Brindis
My humans have waltzed off again, this time to Amsterdam and Isla Margarita, whilst Paolo and I have been consigned to a hotel in Egham. I am writing on the 10th day since they left, which means that they will be back in how many days, Paolo? Oh dear. I do wish he would stop staring at the fountain in the courtyard as though it held the answers to life, the universe and everything. Actually, I have only myself to blame for this - I had to give him something to do to keep him from huddling up to me on my cushion all day, and of course he believed me when I told him that moving water was a great source of inspiration. But actually it is Alastair's fault. Why on earth did he forget to pack Paolo's marbles? I must talk to my humans about this when they get back, as I'm really not prepared to entertain Paolo all day when I'm supposed to be on holiday. There isn't very much to do here, and at least the marbles would have kept him occupied. Still, never mind. The food is good, the hotel peaceful and the staff quite charming. I wonder if the humans are having such a good time on Isla Margarita? Every cat knows that it is a major industrial centre, being one of the largest tuna exporters in the world, but I'm not sure why anyone would go on holiday there, unless of course they are planning to go fishing. But tuna is easily available at supermarkets in Earl's Court. It's one of those mysteries that make humans such interesting and unpredictable companions. Ah, here comes Paolo. Yes Paolo, they are coming back and we haven't been abandoned. No, I don't want to cuddle up. How much longer, did you ask? You will have to concentrate on the fountain a bit longer if you want the answer.
by Brindis
My humans have waltzed off again, this time to Amsterdam and Isla Margarita, whilst Paolo and I have been consigned to a hotel in Egham. I am writing on the 10th day since they left, which means that they will be back in how many days, Paolo? Oh dear. I do wish he would stop staring at the fountain in the courtyard as though it held the answers to life, the universe and everything. Actually, I have only myself to blame for this - I had to give him something to do to keep him from huddling up to me on my cushion all day, and of course he believed me when I told him that moving water was a great source of inspiration. But actually it is Alastair's fault. Why on earth did he forget to pack Paolo's marbles? I must talk to my humans about this when they get back, as I'm really not prepared to entertain Paolo all day when I'm supposed to be on holiday. There isn't very much to do here, and at least the marbles would have kept him occupied. Still, never mind. The food is good, the hotel peaceful and the staff quite charming. I wonder if the humans are having such a good time on Isla Margarita? Every cat knows that it is a major industrial centre, being one of the largest tuna exporters in the world, but I'm not sure why anyone would go on holiday there, unless of course they are planning to go fishing. But tuna is easily available at supermarkets in Earl's Court. It's one of those mysteries that make humans such interesting and unpredictable companions. Ah, here comes Paolo. Yes Paolo, they are coming back and we haven't been abandoned. No, I don't want to cuddle up. How much longer, did you ask? You will have to concentrate on the fountain a bit longer if you want the answer.
